"dead is the new alive- despair's the new survive." Emily Autumn
I guess I should first note that I started cutting again, I haven't for about 4 years, maybe more, since Josh took away my razor. I don't need attention, I need the feeling- when I'm not distracted by Justin's awesomeness (will elaborate later) I've started to feel numb again- everyday is so very like the last. Like i said- I haven't hurt myself on purpose, in about four years, but I've recently rediscovered how much I enjoy the feeling of HOT water coursing over healing cuts, a very pretty pain indeed. i love the way the little beads of blood rise to the surface, to fill the whole cut. My friends would be pretty mad at me if they knew, so I'm disguising the cuts as cat scratches. I can tell- they look nothing like cat scratches, of course, the razor is much too sharp to properly mimic, but no one else looks that closely.
SO, guess who- against better judgment- told Justin how they were feeling on Monday night? Yeah, bad idea on my part, cause turns out he feels the same way... and has for a while. blushfest 09. He's amazing, going to college for art, smart, funny, drop dead GORGEOUS- and he likes me, wtf? I'm such a loser, I've gotten so chubby, and I still have yet to finish school, but he inspires me!
So this is more than a silly crush, or distraction- I'm going to change my life.
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