Old Habits Die Hard

"dead is the new alive- despair's the new survive." Emily Autumn

I guess I should first note that I started cutting again, I haven't for about 4 years, maybe more, since Josh took away my razor. I don't need attention, I need the feeling- when I'm not distracted by Justin's awesomeness (will elaborate later) I've started to feel numb again- everyday is so very like the last. Like i said- I haven't hurt myself on purpose, in about four years, but I've recently rediscovered how much I enjoy the feeling of HOT water coursing over healing cuts, a very pretty pain indeed. i love the way the little beads of blood rise to the surface, to fill the whole cut. My friends would be pretty mad at me if they knew, so I'm disguising the cuts as cat scratches. I can tell- they look nothing like cat scratches, of course, the razor is much too sharp to properly mimic, but no one else looks that closely.

SO, guess who- against better judgment- told Justin how they were feeling on Monday night? Yeah, bad idea on my part, cause turns out he feels the same way... and has for a while. blushfest 09. He's amazing, going to college for art, smart, funny, drop dead GORGEOUS- and he likes me, wtf? I'm such a loser, I've gotten so chubby, and I still have yet to finish school, but he inspires me!

So this is more than a silly crush, or distraction- I'm going to change my life.

boys, and sometimes girls

boys.

Boys cause me so much trouble, by nature I'm not a faithful girl. Don't get me wrong I've never actually cheated on my boyfriend, I just fantasize about it to the point of scheming. My one moment of true weakness was thwarted by a good friend. I've been in love with the same boy for about 4 and a half years- this boy isn't my boyfriend.

I care for my boyfriend a lot, but as with every relationship there are things that are wrong. He can be pretty scary when he's frustrated or upset. He hardly ever lets his aggression go, so when it finally builds up to the point of escaping- he explodes. He has never hurt me on purpose, but I've been hit with ricocheting items, such as bits of phone, potato, and broken mouse. We've never had a screaming angry fight, and because I just kinda figure those are a part of all relationship, I'm a little afraid, because he can go from the sweet boy I know and love to a demon in no time at all.

He really doesn't think I'm all that bright. That hurts most of all, because I'm not the prettiest girl, I'm not the best cook, I'm really not extraordinary at all- save for the fact that I'm pretty smart. He once remarked to a friend of his, when he didn't think I was around to hear, "Yeah, Ixojut is a dumb bitch, but I love her." Now don't get the wrong idea- this is not how he usually talks, about anybody really, only when being truly spiteful, which is why it surprised me so much. To add insult to injury, this happened on my 21st birthday, which hap been sucky, up to that point, whereupon it basically because the worst coming of age EVAR.

Lastly, he out kinks me. Now I'm a pretty kinky girl, and I'm pretty messed up in the head, but just like every girl I can be held up to the stereotype of wanting to "make love" every now and then. The fact that all we do is "fuck" eventually wore down my sanity. Am I not good enough as I am? Do I always have to be someone else for you to cum?

Pardon my vulgarity. I have the feeling that this relationship is not going to outlast out apartment's lease. Whats worse is that a dominant face from my past has just surfaced. A boy I loved dearly years ago, and as soon as I sat down and talked with him all of those feelings came back, threefold, and hit me like a six foot wave. Hi, Justin- missed you like hell, and I can't tell you.

Did I mention he has an adorable girlfriend?

I never get it right the first time...

Secrets are better when everyone knows them. This blog is my secret. I can't promise that I'll always be truthful, I am know to exaggerate on the side of the story, but I can promise that I'll tell you more truths then I do to the people that know me. Until I am found out- this is my diary, my journal, my confidante. Even now I sit across from my boyfriend hiding this blog behing a series of covers. Including myspace, pandora, language is a virus, and a badly written notepad poem.

I imagine my post will be far between, and short, and perhaps cryptic... in fact brb...